Make Your Relationship Amazing
Improve Your Relationships; Change Your Mindset
Yesterday, I said good morning on this fabulous day, and the response I received back was, “Ugh, you call this a good day. It’s cold and snowing. I hate the snow.” I was caught off guard at first because of their pessimistic attitude, which got me thinking about our thoughts and attitude towards relationships and the importance of improving relationships.
You have relationships with things, experiences, people and places and your attitude determines what that relationship will be. I love the snow and how it makes the world seem pure and perfect. I love the cold because it gets rid of bugs that damage crops. The winter time brings peace and helps me focus on family because I don’t have the desire to go outside every night.
The cold and snow are the same; nothing has changed except the attitude I have towards it versus the response of the other individual.
As I continue to think about it, I realized that we need to be mindful of our thoughts and focus on the positive.
Focus on Positive
I’m not saying you put on rose-colored glasses and assume everything is fine; this is unhealthy and disconnected. I want you to focus on the positive attributes of the relationships. For instance, if you’re struggling with your spouse and they bring anger everytime you think of them; focus on what you like about your spouse. What is it that you love about them?
Another example could be you are in a job that you hate, instead of thinking how miserable and frustrating the situation is, take the time to identify what you like. You can focus on the fact that you get paid to work.
The more you focus on the positive, the more you stay in a constructive and building mentality, which helps you to accomplish what you want. If you’re pessimistic and remain frustrated, you close down. The more you close down, the more you shut down and disconnect, making you more frustrated and angrier.
Take the time today and write down one thing you like about the relationship you’re struggling with, read it before going to bed and wake up tomorrow and add another item you like; keep doing this for 30 days. By the end of the thirty days let me know what’s changed?
Unhealthy Connections – Why do we get them?
There are so many women that I run into that are in unhealthy relationships, abusive and destructive relationships, and they keep getting back into them, why? The desire we have for connection is innate and essential; therefore when you find any connection, you thrive in it, so you think. If it’s a healthy connection, you will prosper. Below I have listed what connection is really about.
A real connection is about:
- Listening to understand.
- Love for who you are.
- Ask questions with genuine interest.
- Encouraging and supporting one another.
- Appropriate physical touch.
- Look at each other while communicating.
- Restate questions/comments to clarify.
The problem comes when you think you are thriving, but you are not. How do you know if you’re thriving then? Here’s the definition I will use.
To grow vigorously, to flourish.
Look at the relationships you are in, are you growing at all? Are you flourishing? Is your self-esteem increasing or decreasing? Do you feel like you are where you want to be? Are you reaching goals and finding purpose in life? A healthy connection will encourage you and support you in your journey, not be disparaging.
Connection Comes in Many Forms.
Physical Connection – You are probably the most familiar with a physical connection. The physical connection is an appropriate touch. Let me clarify appropriate touch which is being touched the way you want to be touched:
- Holding hands
- Kissing (not passionately, just gentle and frequent)
- Rubbing your neck, shoulders back, etc.
The aforementioned are examples of appropriate touch. Again, it’s being touched how you want to be touched.
Emotional Connection – One that is often overlooked but is extremely important, especially to women is an emotional connection. Emotional connection is about caring and supporting. When you’re crying is he holding you and pulling you close? Does he run away? Is he belittling you and sending jabbing remarks?
Mental Connection – Intellectually are you compatible? Do you have similar goals or aspirations? Can you talk without one of you feeling less than the other person?
Social connection – Social connection is one of the easiest to fulfill by getting out among others. If you desire social connection, then you want to get out and be around other people regularly.
Spiritual connection – Spiritual connection can be a doozy for some people because they are looking for something but don’t know what to look for. This kind of connection has been described as, “I feel like something’s missing.” A spiritual connection can come in many forms, connection with the earth, God, etc.
The final connection, although physical, I’m breaking it out because I’ve seen a lot of marriages suffer because of it and that’s an intimate connection.
Intimate Connection – It is healthy and natural to want to be intimate with someone. It’s built into our very DNA and is a part of survival. If we did not procreate, then we would die out and would cease to exist. Therefore intimacy is critical and is part of our survival. Since intimacy is part of our survival, it is healthy and natural to want to be intimate and to look for this connection.
It’s so important to identify what you want and are looking for in each of these connections. Once you know what you want, then you can open up communication with your spouse, friends, and family to fill these connections.
Here’s the challenge
For the sake of sharing an example, let’s say you’re single. As a single person, you’re missing several of the connection points and will naturally start to seek them out. You go looking and it seems like every guy you find is not interested, so you keep looking. After several months, maybe years this guy shows up and starts showing some interest (social connection). He buys you flowers (emotional connection) and even likes some of the same things you like (mental connection).
You fall head over heels and start to date this guy. At first, everything is perfect, so you think, he’s bringing gifts, showing the physical connection by hugging you. Then you notice one day he loses his temper and yells at a family member, because of your fear of losing any of the connections you have, you justify it and say, “Oh he’s just really stressed. The person he yelled at deserves it. He would never do that to me.”
Be Mindful of Justification
It’s so important that when you start using justification in life, you recognize it and ask, “Why am I justifying this?”
Continuing with the story, soon you notice he’s lost his temper with you. He has yelled at you. He’s maybe even been a little violent by throwing something, punching a wall, breaking a dish or some violent behavior. Again you justify it, but this time, you start blaming yourself saying things like, “I deserved that. If I hadn’t done this, he wouldn’t have gotten mad, so I need to make sure I don’t do that again.” You may even find him saying things like, “If you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t have to do this or have done that.”
Notice the justification you’re doing, and he’s doing.
Here’s the essential thing to realize, It’s NOT Okay!
As soon as you start to justify negative behaviors, he will continue to do them, and now you’re assuming all relationships are like this. You start believing that everyone is putting on a happy face because that’s what you do. The thought that someone could genuinely be happy seems like a fallacy and impossible. Therefore, everyone is lying.
Your desire for connection is so strong that you start looking past any warning signs. You fear to be alone more than you do abuse.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You are a strong, powerful, beautiful and amazing woman that can accomplish anything she sets her mind too. The talents and skills you have been blessed with run deep. It’s critically important to learn to love yourself for who you are with all of your imperfections because we all have them. It’s your imperfections that make you so phenomenal.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t have to stay there. You’re enough just as you are. There are other men out there that will love, support and care for you the way you want to be but it starts with you; learn to love YOU!
Once you can embrace your power and start designing your life, tremendous opportunities will open up.
You’re amazing, believe it!
5 Keys to Implement for a Healthy Relationship
How to Connect with Your Children, Spouse, Friends, and Family
Inspired by a dream, I talk about a problem that exists in our society today, and it’s the lack of love.
Last night’s dream was extraordinarily realistic and woke me up at 3 am, and I could not go back to sleep. The dream I had was, unfortunately, all too common in today’s society where parents allow their feelings of, “It’s my way or the highway mentality” to get in the way of connecting with your children, friends, and family. Today’s post I talk about how to connect with your children, spouse, family and friends.
In my dream, I saw a parent who was about to strike their child. I know how frustrating children can be, and I’ve done things that I regret, but that does not ever condone hitting, yelling or being violent of any kind. There are too many stories of violence and they never end well.
I have seen children severely hurt because of a parent losing their temper. You need to check yourself and recognize when your blood is starting to boil and change the scene, even if you have to run out of the house. Calm down, relax and come back with love as the focus.
Let me give you an example that happened to me. My son threw a shoe at me and hit me right in the groin. Any person hit there knows it is painful and you just want to demolish the person that caused the pain. I knew I was mad, very mad, but I told him to leave the room now because I was on the floor and couldn’t move very well. He kept apologizing, but it didn’t matter, I was past my point of reasoning right now.
He left the room, and I laid there gathering my composure and counting to 150 or more 🙂 After I gathered my composure, and I calmed down, I went down to my son and said, “Son, you can’t throw things like that, it’s not okay. I know you did not mean to do it, but I needed you to leave so I could calm down. I would like you to come back upstairs to be with the family.
Having a healthy relationship built on love and trust is essential. If I did not take that moment to calm down, I would have reacted in a way that would not have served him or I. I may have done something that I would regret. I could have yelled, etc.; however, I recognized where my temper was at, and I also realized I could not handle the situation as is. I would not have connected with my child to be able to break down the barriers of the dislike, get lost attitude.
5 Keys to Use
- Key #1: Recognize – One of the keys to maintaining love and connection is to recognize your emotions. Acknowledge where you are at and become aware so that you can respond appropriately.
- Key #2: Do NOT Act in Anger – Never react out of anger, it never turns out well.
- Key #3: Analyze – Analyze your feelings, are you still angry? After you’ve calmed down, then you can approach the situation. If you have the slightest bit of anger, do not try to handle it.
- Key #4: Approach with love. You’ve calmed down and now approach the issue at hand, you can let them know what they did was wrong but don’t call them names or make them feel like you don’t love them.
- Key #5: Say I love you with a hug. Love takes action, not just words, enforce your love with a hug or some action. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you could give to your child, spouse or loved one. Own up to your part of the situation and ask for forgiveness and move on.
If you approach any situation like this, you will connect and keep the doors open that generally may be closed.
Call someone today, right now and let them know you love them; show them you care by calling them or doing some service for them.
You’re amazing. Remember that when a situation arises, take note of your feelings; never act out of anger; then analyze your feelings to see if you can approach the issue at hand. If you have the smallest amount of frustration, don’t approach the issue, wait. When you can address the situation, make sure to handle with love; say I love you with a hug or some action step.
You’re amazing. Realize it. I’ll show you how.
Need some additional coaching, speaking or mentoring?
Tony Rhoton • Motivational Speaker, Self Improvement Coach, and Mentor 801.787.5765
Do this every night!
It’s Called Swaying
The concept they introduced, which I realize my wife and I have been doing this since we were married but never thought anything about it. It is called Swaying, essentially the traditional elementary school dancing style, you move side to side.
It’s really simple and anyone can do it but the concept behind this is to be unison with your spouse. They shared several different examples of how swaying has helped in their relationship, from business, to personal, the sway works.
My wife and I have been doing this but didn’t call it anything, just holding each other and rocking. I can attest it works.
When you can be unified, even in something seemingly small like this, you can start to unite in other ways. Swaying is not something to take lightly because it does work.
Don’t think this is frivolous and of no value, try it. Let me know what happened but give it a try for at least one month. If it doesn’t work, no harm done. However, when it works, you will be thanking me for sharing it with you. (big smile)
I hope you will take action today on this simple little concept I shared with you. Have a great day. You’re amazing, don’t forget it. Rise up to the challenge of Swaying today.
Connection, Connection, Connection – We Need It!
Sometimes our light dims and but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being. – Albert Schweitzer
The need and desire for human connection are innate and critical. Left alone, and you will die, so it’s no wonder that God has created chemicals like oxytocin to establish a stronger connection.
As you go through life, there are times that nothing seems to work. You implement all of the self-help tools you can think of, journaling, positive declarations, and trying your best. You would think, ahhhhh, I’ve got all the tools I need. The sense of preparedness fully encompasses you, and you feel ready for anything.
I can relate to this feeling because I thought I was prepared and nothing could get me down, but the past couple of days have been a nightmare. I implemented everything I could to get out of my funk, but to no avail. Here are the things I did:
- Write a letter, check.
- Journal, check.
- Positive declarations, check.
- Listening to music, check, actually made me more agitated.
- Identity poster, check.
Nothing is Working
The feeling of despair set in and I could feel the emotions brewing. The thoughts came to me; you can do this, don’t worry about it keep pushing forward. You will be over this soon.
Then my beautiful wife, Reneé, comes in and says, “Is everything okay.”
Here’s my moment am a man or a mouse. I’m a man, and I lose it. I’m not afraid to show emotion, and I let her know all of my feelings. Important to note, never share something with your spouse if it could be hurtful to them. The things I was feeling were all about me; they were about my struggles, not hers. After pouring everything out, she said the most potent words she could say, “I Love You!”
These words come out of her mouth frequently, but this time it was like a bomb that exploded in my heart. The power of these words at this time was magical and healing. She did not try to fix me, no advice, nothing that seems like offering support. The thing that she did was listen and say, “I Love You.”
I wasn’t all fixed, feeling better but still frustrated I worked in the yard for a bit, ate dinner with my family which everything kept getting better and better.
After reflecting on this experience, I recognized the value and the importance of connection. My wife connected with me by listening to what I had to say and then letting me know she cared.
The Greatest Fallacy
Where are you at in life? Are you trying to do it alone? Are you assuming you don’t need help from anyone?
Feeling like you have to face your pains, frustrations, anger, resentment, joys, and happiness alone, is the greatest fallacy that exists. From birth we connect with our family, we can’t go alone. Connection is crucial for healing and when you’ve tried everything else, reach out and connect with someone.
Sometimes the best person to talk to is someone that you don’t know, no judgment, no blame, or shame.